Day 151 – Five Months Sober
“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.” — Oscar Wilde
If you’re affected by alcohol in the family — your own or someone else’s — you’re not alone. At the bottom of this post, you’ll find support links and resources. For now, read on. What I’ve learned about alcohol recovery and fatherhood. More an enlightenment.
Friday Night. Five Months Sober.
I wasn’t planning to write tonight. But five months feels like something.
Not something to celebrate — just something to sit with.
A Friday night. A lot has changed since I first posted. Some hasn’t. Quiet. No drink. No plans. Just me and the thoughts I didn’t want to face earlier in the week.
Mostly, they’ve been about my children.
Two Girls. Different Worlds. Same Damage.
This week at work, I met a girl. Nineteen. Same age as Hannah — my eldest.
She’d been kicked out at 14. Sofa-surfed. In and out of care. Missed most of school. Now she’s in temporary housing, doing an access course to nursing, volunteering at a foodbank, asking in shops for any work going. She battles anxiety, trauma, poverty — and yet she keeps going. She visits the library, loves books — just like Hannah once did.
She sees me as a father figure.
But she doesn’t know I barely see my own children.
I’ve only seen one of them this year — also nineteen.
Different lives. Different paths. One had structure and stability. The other chaos and abandonment. And yet… the impact of addiction touched both of them.
Because behind Hannah’s academic achievements was a broken home.
Her mum — always hungover. Me — likewise, progressively getting worse.
She saw things no teenager should.
She just wanted a dad. She needed safety — and got inconsistency.
I put the drink first. That’s a truth I’ll have to always to carry. Then? I was selfish.
Maisie’s Gala and Quiet Pictures
Then there’s Maisie. She had her school gala this week. I got a picture sent.
Last year, I was there. In the sunshine, with music, burgers and laughter.
I remember texting Isla that day showing her how happy Maisie was.
Later that evening, Isla came over for dinner. Maisie loved her. It felt like a family.
No alcohol that day. That stands out. It’s rare.
That feels like a lifetime ago now.
Now it’s silence. Messages read but not replied to.
Esme, my middle daughter, read mine last week. Said nothing.
That hurts — but I understand. I told her I loved her and was proud of her every day.
She has every right not to trust that yet.
The One With Horses
I remember walking Maisie down country lanes on quiet mornings.
She liked seeing the horses. Just normal dad stuff. No big plans.
Just her smiling, asking questions, skipping along. I was sober then.
We’d have a roll and a hot chocolate after.
And selfishly, I’d always ruin it again. Another binge. Another absence. Another letdown.
But the next time I saw her?
Same lane. Same horses. Same happiness. I wish we could do that tomorrow. See her giggle without a care in the world.
Facing The Impact of Alcohol on Children
I damaged each of them differently.
I thought staying in that relationship was protecting them. But I was just another unstable adult in a house already full of instability. I blamed their mum for years. She was abusive, yes — but I wasn’t a saint either.
I should’ve left sooner. I should’ve got sober long before that first hospital admission.
There are an estimated three million children in the UK affected by parental alcohol misuse. Three million lives shaped — or shattered — before they’ve even begun.
I see it clearly now, in both my own children and the girl I met this week.
Mental health treatment waiting times are huge. And those kids — like mine — can’t afford to wait.
True Alcohol Recovery and Fatherhood
It’s not just stopping drinking or counting sober days.
It’s owning the damage. Accepting the guilt. Knowing “sorry” doesn’t cut it.
It’s about rebuilding trust — and understanding it might never fully return.
It’s about looking a bit deeper each month and seeing the cost. On them. On you.
Before, I’d drown this in another drink.
Now, I just acknowledge it. Wishing I could turn back time.
Let my children know it was never their fault, always mine. And stay sober.
Another Step Away From Chaos
Tomorrow will be day 152. Another step away from chaos.
Another step into a new version of me. It can be tough. But it’s one more day where I’m not repeating the past, making the same mistakes.
I hope one day they’ll see who I am now.
My three girls — and the woman who saw glimpses of the best version of me.
Maybe they would be surprised, maybe hurt I managed this only when they chose to exit my life.
This week I’ll see that other nineteen-year-old at work — there are unfortunately many more like her.
She’ll see the father figure who’s sober this week.
The one I should have been all along.
If you’re affected by alcohol misuse — your own or someone else’s — please don’t wait.
There’s no shame in asking for help.
Below are links to UK support, mental health services, and family advice groups:
