Content Note: This post contains emotional reflections on trauma, addiction, abuse, and fatherhood. If you are affected by any of these topics, support links are included at the bottom.
“The truth will set you free. But first, it will shatter you”
– Unknown
The Breaking Point Wasn’t Booze
Most people assume the drinking was the problem. It wasn’t. I know why men drink to escape trauma. I did for years. In some ways, it’s a miracle I’ve lasted these months. No Maisie. No Isla. I’ve accepted my older two at present do not want to see me. No family in sight. Just silence — and 156 days away from booze. That’s why I fell so hard when I lost Isla. She was everything I had ever wanted and not been used to. And when she was gone, I realised alcohol wasn’t my only addiction. Hope was. Love was. I didn’t just lose a partner — I lost my last anchor. In the past, my anchor had incorrectly been something else.
I Wish I Had Just Kept Walking
Before I met my ex-wife, I loved a party — raves, holidays, always on the go. I was confident, sociable, sporty. Then randomly, we met again. A relationship that seemed perfect at first — we’d known each other at primary school, reconnected 15 years later. At first, it felt like fate. Then it turned. I remember the first time she hit me. I left. But I turned back. She promised it would never happen again. But it did. Again and again. That night changed me.
Shouting. Screaming. Control. Mocking my body. Time off work. I shut down. Excuses. Isolation. More drinking. Her family said they knew what she was like — but they did nothing. I accepted it.
It eroded my confidence. Destroyed my career. She blamed her parents, her meds, me. I wasn’t allowed to go to work after Hannah was born, same as Maisie — I had to stay with the kids because they weren’t safe. My mother had shown no love either. I thought that was normal.
Where Addiction Took Over
In counselling now, I’ve unpacked it. I understand much more now why men drink to escape trauma, I’m a prime example. My dad saw it before he died. I crossed the line into addiction when Maisie was small. Alcohol was my escape. I should have left — but I didn’t. The hitting lessened, but the damage stayed. You become conditioned.
Daily, I think of the moment I could have left. I didn’t. My confidence was already gone. When she hit me in front of the kids one night, they shrieked. I’ll never forget it. I was used to it. I should have phoned the police and left with them. I didn’t. I just ended up drinking more. That became the solution, and just made me worse. I was broken, until I left. But the damage was done. The resentment grew though, along with the amount of cans I was consuming. I wanted the world to know what had gone on behind closed doors. Instead people just saw me as someone with an alcohol problem.
Different Woman – But Still The Past Lingered
Isla later commented on my body — too thin. She meant no harm. But it hit something already broken. I’d told her parts of the truth. Maybe not enough. I still turned away when getting changed, after effect of my ex wife’s mocking. My confidence was in pieces. Why men drink to escape trauma? It’s things like that – insecurity, shame.
She was kind. Supportive. Helped when I struggled. Cared about my health. Fell for me. I fell for her too. But I still felt not good enough. Still drank — not like before, but enough. She said I needed mothered. She was wrong. I just needed love. Huge difference.
I wasn’t fully aware how much the abuse had affected me. I was still rebuilding from addiction, still in denial about my relationship with alcohol also. I had not repaired. I just was not ready yet to meet Isla, I met her too soon or too late. I’ts hard to understand if you’ve never been through it — especially when you’re cut off from your own children. It cost me so much – and that is not excusing me from blame. You wait to meet someone different, yet it’s hard to accept someone who is. You get insecure they will hurt you.
The Men I See Now
Work gives me purpose. I take the toughest cases. Last week, a man came in. On paper, a nightmare client. But he cried. Said he’d been through the same. Same alcohol clinic. Same hopelessness. He had three beers just to face the appointment. I saw myself. Got him support. He’s seeing me every two weeks. Didn’t show last time. It was like watching my past not show up. His life still chaotic. I understand why. At least he got police involved. Brave man.
I’ve met five other men like that recently. All addicted. All shamed. All broken. I’m the only one sober, employed, and helping others. Some showed scars on their body. I never asked how they got there. Their stories were different — but the same.
The Numbers We Don’t Say Out Loud
25% of trauma survivors develop addiction. I did. You think you can block it out – beer gave me the buzz to pretend I was enough for someone. 700,000 men in the UK experienced domestic abuse last year. Only 5% of those in support services are men. Shame silences us. Suicide is still the biggest killer for men my age.
Still Standing, Still Fighting – Sober
Last week, addiction services offered to discharge me. I declined. I’d just passed a blood test — clean showing prolongued abstinence. I said no. They know my job, worried I will be compromised at work. But that’s the least of my worries. I’ve got a court case ahead — trying to see Maisie. It’s been over six months. The person who broke me gets legal aid. I don’t. I struggle to afford even a letter. The system feels rigged. The cards are very much in her favour. Thinking by ignoring I will go away. I have thought of giving up every day. But I won’t. I’ll remain sober and afford court. I think thats when my battle will end. Other people will finally know.
Why Men Drink to Escape Trauma – Pain Relief
People tell you to man up. They don’t see what’s behind addiction. I hid it. Functioned. Crashed. Hurt my kids. I regret it all. I wish I met Isla after I’d healed. Maybe she’d have understood more. Maybe I should have spoken more. But when you’re seen as weak, you hide. You want to appear attractive, masculine.
I don’t know if I’ll ever trust someone again. I’ve accepted post-Isla that it’s likely I’ll be single forever unless our paths cross. Every binge in recent followed a breakup. All different from my ex-wife. Lovely women, one’s I saw a future with. I felt devastated I wasn’t good enough. Because that’s what I was used to feeling. The impact of abuse doesn’t end when you leave — it lingers. I can’t change the past. But I can keep going. Test clean. Fight for my child. And give others my time.
Even if they’ve had three drinks just to speak up. Even if they’re ashamed. Now you’ll see why men drink to escape trauma.We all have a story. Maybe our chats are the start of them letting it all out.
🧠 Support Links
If you’re affected by any of the topics in this post, here are some places you can reach out:
